Bug had his last therapy appointment on Monday. His therapist is well satisfied with his progress and said she felt he no longer needed her. To quote: “He’s clearly doing well, and doesn’t need me anymore - he’s improved “250%”. If the depression returns in the same way as when he first began seeing me, then bring him back, but right now, he just doesn’t need to see me anymore.”

Phew. And yay! Nice early Christmas gift for all of us.

We saw our family physician today. It was supposed to be the once monthly med review and while he did review the meds, it also ended up being a dosage increase. Bug came to us yesterday to tell us that he felt that the depression was creeping its way back - he didn’t think it was getting out of hand or anything, but that he’d definitely noticed that things were different. Thankfully we already had this appointment scheduled, so it worked out well, in that regard.

The doctor upped his dosage by 10 mg. Not a great big amount, but hopefully enough to ward off any kind of regression.

So a few clouds again, but hopefully they just hang off on the edge of the horizon before disappearing altogether.

Yeah, it’s me. Haven’t been back here for a bit. Bug continues to do well, and it’s wonderful having our old Bug back. He’s connected and interacting and finding interest in things again.

I’ve had a hellish couple of weeks though. Week one, I’m not even going to get in to, but certain persons are incredibly lucky they’re still on the planet, breathing.

This past week has been a barrel of laughs too. My health seems to have really taken a knocking lately. I’ve had migraines almost daily, which has just been more fun than picking zits. This weekend, I ended up going to Emergency at the hospital. I ended up making friends with an EKG, a lab tech and lost a little blood. All of that to tell me they weren’t sure what was going on, and go see my regular physician. So good little girl that I am, I trotted off to see him today. I’ve been having the same symptoms since Sunday night, which means I was supposed to go back in immediately, or so said the Emergency room doc.

My doctor sent me BACK up to the hospital right after my appointment, for yet another EKG and the loss of a little more blood. This time they’re checking a few more things, one of them markers for Pulmonary Embolism. Goody.

I expect it’s just stress. Yeehaw.

For the time being, I’ve turned comments off for this blog (at least, I think I have). Too many people trying to advertise their anal fisting wonders, or this drug, or that sex video. So…..no more comments. I’m tired of having to delete them.

He’s smiling more. And laughter……….oh the laughter. We’re hearing more and more of that lately. I especially love the laughs that seem to come from deep down, because they seem so real. So…….concrete. I’m sure you know what polite laughter is like, or when someone’s kind of laughing just to humor you. So when Bug laughs those laughs that seem to come from deep within, it warms my heart.

It finally feels like he’s made real progress. Instead of one step forward, two steps back, he’s doing more of a 1 mile forward, a step back. He had this one day last week where Tool Man was sure that he needed to phone and speak to his therapist. Nope. It was just Bug being a regular old teenager. And as much as what he was doing/acting like was irritating, it was truly just a typical teenage thing.

And typical teenage-itis these days…………well, as Martha Stuart says, it’s a good thing.

Don’t mind me. It’s been a not so great day. I love this kid, but I’m really angry with him right now. And it’s making me hate everyone at the moment.

and YES WE DID! I’m so proud to say that I voted for Barack Obama.

Part I:

Part II:

Part II:

The days seem to be getting better and better for Bug. We spent Saturday and Sunday visiting family and Bug participated fully. He was engaged and personable. He even cracked a few snarky witticisms, which had us all rolling.

He returned to school today, something we hadn’t anticipated happening until the end of January. For now, he’ll only go in the afternoons. We didn’t want to overwhelm him just as he appears to be making progress, and spoil all his hard work. As it worked out, the courses (options) he wanted to take were all in the afternoon, so it means he’s got the morning to sleep in if he needs to, and take his time getting ready for the afternoon.

He’s most excited about the creative writing class he will be taking. Last week, he started writing, unbeknownst to us. That, in and of itself, is something. He’s always been an excellent writer, if he feels so inclined. However, he found most of his English 10 class boring and dry. He’s very much of the mind that if you can do something, there’s no point in doing it 100 times over to prove that, so much of the repetition was an anathema to him. So the writing portion of his assignments often perturbed him and he balked at them. It was something that drove his English teacher crazy, because she has always says that what he does write is excellent.

So yesterday, he shared with me that he’s writing a book. Color me all kinds of surprised. He emailed me the first 8000 or so words he’s written. I was suitably impressed. I realize I have a bit of bias about it, but still, it captured my interest, and this is of a genre I don’t normally read. I found myself wondering what happens to the characters next, and looking forward to what he’ll come up with next.

At school this afternoon, he sought out his English teacher from last year, and told her about it. He’s going to email her excerpts for criticism. She encouraged him to share it with his creative writing teacher (which he will), but he most especially wants her input also, since she has always felt he had a talent, even when he felt he was as blocked as the day was long.

I realize that things are good right now, and that we’re on the upswing with his medication, that it’s really started to kick in. I realize he’ll probably plateau in a bit, and that things mightn’t be as cheery and as positive as they are right now, but for now, we’re just happy to see more and more of the old Bug making a reappearance.

“Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away….”

http://iftheworldcouldvote.com/

Yep, a little off the main topic of discussion, again. I ran across this tonight and it was interesting to look at. If the world could vote, indeed.

Up until now, I’ve pretty much focused on Bug’s issues and what has happened with that. Most days, I do ok. Some days, like today, not so much.

Oddly enough, he’s had a good day today. Me? I’m a little………well, a lot not so good. Struggling.And not really with what’s going on with Bug.

I know none of this is Bug’s fault. Crap happens, as they say, and well, crap happened. Last December, I began a new job, in a new field. To be frank, I started a career, or so I thought. Sure, I worked in years past; part-time fast food jobs, a bit of waitressing, some babysitting - whatever brought in a little extra money when it was needed. But this? This was a career and it promised a lot of upward movement for me, if I worked hard, learned much and applied it. I LOVED my job. I worked over-time for free, for pity’s sake; that’s how much I loved it.

I loved taking the train downtown. I loved packing my little lunch every day. I loved that I had an OFFICE. Me - an OFFICE. I’m a nerd. I love paperwork. I love having my little cup of pens/pencils, and my computer and a big old desk for pictures of my kids and my husband and my dog. I even had a little fish tank, with a Beta fish to keep me company. And plants. I had a spot for plants. I LOVED IT. But when Bug told us he was suicidal, I quit my job on.the.spot.

I know, I know, I know, I know - it wasn’t Bug’s fault and I don’t blame him for it. He didn’t ask for any of this and I’m sure if he’d been given a choice in the matter, he’d have chosen mental health instead of depression. I know all of this, in my head and even in my heart.

But there are days when I want to stand in an empty field and rail against this. Scream at the top of my lungs at the unfairness of all of it. Sometimes I wish we’d never had the surgery done. I know in the long run, it will be beneficial for him and that it was necessary. But it was also the catalyst for all this. His depression, the school woes, the frightening and uncertain days, and the loss of my job.

But I miss my job so much. I know I have a job, as a mother. I know this. I know it’s important and I know that being here while Bug wades through this is more important than any job in any sector. I know that one day, all the children will be grown and gone and I’ll have all the time in the world to pursue a career again. I know this.

But there are days, like today, where I just miss all of it. And it makes me sad.

Today, I’m sad.